Thinking about being busy

Sometimes I think about all the things we have to do in order to have time for the few moments in life that make us so happy. I have been seeing up to seven clients a day lately (in seven hour work days even) plus my full course load, thesis and weekend job. Sometimes after six or seven hours of work on my thesis, I feel that good moment of accomplishment. Sometimes out of seven clients, on will tell me that day that counseling is helping them and thank me, and I feel that moment of accomplishment. What about everything else? What about once the commuting, the dirty clothes and dishes that need to be washed, the other household stuff that needs to happen, the dog that needs to be walked, the running/working out daily...? Out of all of the hours and hours of stuff we have to do, how many moments during those hours are we living for? I'm rambling here.

This weekend I didn't have to work. Today it was 60*. I savored the beautiful moments I spent outside at the lake with my sweet boyfriend and my manoso puppy. I had those moments, and they flew by. Everything we did today made those moments. And the time flew. It flew away.

Yet the hours of things I do for moments like this drag on.

Not sure where I was going with this...

The Internship Double Standard

After a confusing meeting with my internship supervisor today, I was sitting alone in my office trying to understand why I felt so angry and defeated by such a stupid meeting.

This morning my supervisor visited the main office location for the agency, to meet with her supervisor. She came back from the meeting later this afternoon and said we needed to "talk about some things." My stomach dropped to my feet. I had spent ALL MORNING reading the mountains of books, magazines, and articles my supervisor gives me every time we meet, diligently taking notes and wracking my brain for ways to apply what I was learning, and be a better counselor at the agency. What could I have possibly done wrong, out of everything I was trying to do right?

The substance of the meeting was that I had entered a "do not schedule" hour on my calendar for tomorrow. I did this early this morning upon seeing my calendar with five back-to-back clients, three of which were brand new intakes, thinking I would need the time to digest, conceptualize and do paperwork. I thought it was the responsible thing to do to not take on more than I could handle and give myself enough time to plan and organize my learning around each new case. Apparently, I was wrong. The meeting turned into disdain for "laziness" at putting that block in my calendar. Why would I do that? I already have one hour for dinner and paperwork that day. Why can't I have back-to-back clients, six of them, the rest of the day?

The reason why is because I am an intern. First and foremost, I am NOT PAID. Second, I am not yet a professional. I am expected by my graduate program to see four clients per week, and at internship, am being finger-pointed for not doing six clients per day.

First I was angry. I work so hard to do everything perfect, and I messed up because I held an hour of my schedule free on the computer this morning? I get a boss lecture because of that? Second, I was defeated. There is no way I can EVER be good enough for this agency. EVERYTHING I do is on trial. It's like they are looking for things to criticize me on, and there's just no defeating that. Third, I was angry. I am being held to a professional standard, being given s**t even for trying to meet this ridiculous standard, all the while being micromanaged like the most incapable intern. This is infuriating! If I am going to be held to professional expectations, which, given my positions as an INTERN is inappropriate (as well as probably unethical for the clients) at least give me some respect to think for myself and be a professional. Let me put the damn spot in my calendar. You can't demand professional while talking down your nose at me because of a block on my calendar.

They just want to have their cake, and to eat it too. They want the free labor (as much of it as they would get from a paid person) while still being able to condescend and micromanage, giving me no credit or trust that I am capable of making really any good decisions on my own in the agency.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Musings on Sliding 180*

It has been icing and snowing some of the first wintry weather here. It is not as though I have never driven on ice and snow before. It is not even that this is my second or third winter driving on it; however, something about this winter is hitting me hard. About a week ago during some icing and snowing, my car hit an ice patch and (thankfully) swerved into a curb. Today on my way to work during another icing and snowing, my car slid and turned 180* on a three-lane highway. Luckily neither of these situations led to any major accident- only a ripped tire and bent wheel to show for damage. They have me thinking, though.

I'm not one to admit to believing in omens and signs, but on a certain level I do pay attention, and things stay with me. Confession: A few years ago when my house burnt down, a fire that began in my bedroom (though I was away at college at the time), on some level I was convinced it was a symbolic purging and punishment. Now cognitively I know this is ridiculous and untrue- but on some level I wonder if I really believe it.

I have been going to therapy for the past few months for what I like to think of as "therapist maintenance." I have been fairly disappointed with the ramblings of my sessions, impatiently waiting for the work to begin. Last session, at the end of another set of ramblings and almost pointless exchanges, my therapist urged me to think about something over the next week. What was that...?

Oh yeah. It was about trying to please everyone. I have written recently about congruence and perfectionism and those two themes fight each other for me. I try to please everyone and be perfect, which is not congruent because I would be better to (1) be happy for who I am and at what level my capabilities are, and (2) base my opinion of myself on myself and not other's thoughts of me. It was about how exhausting it is to try and be perfect for everyone. In doing that, the main problem is I am not being perfect for myself. I guess that begs the question, "how am I perfect for myself?" What is/are my true limits, potential, characteristics etc? How would one go about finding those out? By constantly pushing those limits, right? As long as one is constantly trying there are no limits to what they can do?

Maybe it's more about accepting my less-than-perfect qualities. Sometimes I procrastinate. Sometimes I can be a bit lazy. Usually I don't do the reading. Which of these is acceptable and which are self-defeating? How does one know the difference? Basic ethics say that laziness is an unacceptable value, but can I go on forever downing myself for my natural state of entropy? I couldn't be happy and fulfilled that way, could I?

Maybe accepting isn't the same thing as leaving something alone. Maybe the quality of accepting can be more like owning the laziness as part of my personality. I procrastinate. That is me. I can own that as a part of myself. Accepting this is to accept to remind myself to work harder now and then because I know if I do I can do better. Accepting laziness is not to accept hating myself for it.

I feel like I have stumbled onto a formula here:

1) Recognize (honestly) a part of one's personality one is unhappy with (e.g. laziness)
2) Own and accept this quality as a part of ones' self and one's own uniqueness
3) Identify the negative consequence normally associated with the newly owned characteristic (e.g. hating myself for procrastinating)
4) Change the negative consequence to an empowering alternative and take ownership of it (e.g. reminding myself to work harder)
5) Pair the empowering alternative with the owned quality and accept them unconditionally as part of who one is (e.g. I just can be lazy sometimes, so I am gonna have to remind myself to work harder on occasion)

This might be a good place to start for a self-esteem 180. Maybe the ice is nature giving me an ultimatum: "You can't continue on this path of self-negativity. I am hereby forcing you around towards some self-esteem."

The Counseling Conversation

It dawned on me recently that I am trying too hard to be perfect. It really shouldn't have dawned on me recently because this is no new behavior for me. For whatever reason, or likely reasons, I bust my butt trying to be perfect.

Recently I have been brushing up on person-centered therapy. I overlooked this theory initially when learning different counseling approaches, thinking like many other therapists, I would settle for cognitive behavioral psych or even rational emotive behavioral therapy. Reflecting on the basic assumptions of person- centered theory, I was struck at just how accurate many of them are to me.

For those unfamiliar, the basic premise of person-centered therapy is congruence vs. incongruence. Simply put, the incongruent self, which is sadly most people, tries too hard to satisfy others' expectations and social norms rather than being true to their own capabilities and accepting themselves and their lives as they are. This creates a cognitive and emotional dissonance which leads to basically most psychological and many physiological conditions. The congruent self, the end goal of person-centered therapy, has shed the expectations of society and others as a means of dictating their worth, instead learning to appreciate themselves as unique and special as whom they are.

In the trauma counseling that I am currently doing, I often look at it this way:

A client comes into my office having survived a trauma. They have all types of feelings of guilt, shame, worthlessness, etc. In a way, these feelings have prevented them from incorporating the trauma experience into their life story. Rather than accept the painful feelings and memories to normalize and stabilize what they went through, they shut them out preventing healing which precipitates the negative feelings over and again. It is too painful to accept that it has happened; therefore I will not accept it and thus continue to relive it. The rejection or suppression of the experience is keeping them from realizing congruence and leading to a slew of problems magnifying perfectly normal reactions of shame, guilt, etc following such an incident.

I might tell them that everyone has a life story and knowing yourself depends on knowing your story. For traumatized people, however, their story was hijacked. Someone else took control, took power, and took their story. Going back and taking control of that experience as the author of their story plays a crucial step in the survival chapter. Ignoring the hijacked part of the story is essentially leaving it out and crumbling the present and future chapters with incongruence. If you ignore where the pain comes from, it won't just go away. You have to accept the experience for what it was and allow it to become a part of your story in order to truly heal and become congruent.

Today I had a new client come in to my office. Maybe it was because it was my first day in a new office, maybe this office has a better vibe, or maybe after taking a break, something settled or clicked in my brain. However, unlike many sessions where I feel a slight surge of panic as my client arrives, or that overwhelming feeling when someone has so many problems I don't know how I, a little graduate student, could POSSIBLY help them, I was calm. I was confident. Nothing was inherently different in this client than the others I have seen. The same age, cultural, and circumstantial barriers were there as well as the plethora of problems and complicated stories the client brought in.

Maybe it was something Mary Pipher said in one of her books. She talked about counseling as a conversation; to sit and visit. It was a relaxed exchange, an empathic listening and reflecting time for one human being to just be an objective ear for another human being.

That's what happened today. I was confident. I listened. Without feeling worried about being perfect or about what I was going to say all the time, I was true to myself. I had some moments of congruence. Oh what an amazing difference that made. Instead of being draining, I was energized after the session. I found new hope in myself as a counselor. I began to remember why I had decided to do this, whereas always trying to be so perfect, I had neglected the beauty of it all instead swamping myself with stress and worries.

Maybe I should give person-centered therapy another chance.

Evaluate This

An interesting thing one person telling another person what they are worth. Something we all tell each other to be assertive against: only you know how much you are worth, we are all special, so on. Something we so quickly accept when an authority figure, literal or imagined, takes the opportunity to rate us based on some established system of weak? prior consent. Obviously I have some bitter feelings about this.

First of all, let me say that I am all for criticism. I can take it, I can dish it, it's how we all get better at what we do. What kills me is the whole fuzziness of subjectivity v objectivity. My blue is your green is his red. The problem is when concreteness is removed I think we tend to do two things that contradict each other: one, we rationalize, and two, we exaggerate. I may be told I was "good" at something, which is a total objective, bull-****, waste of time statement, and rationalize that I had done something well when I had only just done it well enough. On the other hand, I might exaggerate that I had done it terribly since I had not completed whatever task "excellently." Neither course sheds any light on the original evaluator's intended meaning.

How helpful is this system? Essentially it creates a feeling of accomplishment or failure in the reviewed, largely regardless of the original intent of the reviewer. Why do we insist on doing it? Somehow we are obviously convincing ourselves that it is useful.

Neophyte

A paper I recently wrote that I feel is relevant:

This is an opportunity for me to speak more openly about an academic experience, without specific structural demands bogging down what I might otherwise say. The goal of this paper is to both respectfully and honestly describe an out-of-the-classroom learning opportunity I recently had regarding the topic of group counseling. I attended a semi-annual meeting of the Mid-Atlantic Group Psychotherapy Society (MAGPS). The focus of the conference was trauma in group work, entitled, “Vicissitudes of Trauma in Group Psychotherapy: Little, Big, and Hidden,” with guest speaker Dr. Bonnie Buchele. This was one of the worst educational experiences in terms of hostility I have ever experienced. However, that negative experience does not diminish the importance of the conference to me in an educational way; it may in fact have enhanced it. Here begins my ironically traumatizing weekend about counseling trauma groups.

I would describe myself as positive, determined and hard-working person. I feel that I look for the best in people and situations, and am constantly burdened by empathy and the paladin nature of my heart. These qualities drew me to counseling, but as such are always under my constant surveillance to keep in check. The reason I think this is important to mention is not for vanity, but because I want to emphasize that I came into this conference enthusiastically and humbly: ready to learn and benefit from more experienced professionals’ knowledge and experience.

At my practicum I work with sexual assault and domestic violence clients. At the time of the conference I was just over half-way through with a group I was co-leading to empower teen survivors of sexual abuse. I was eager to learn things at the MAGPS trauma conference to take back to my group. Additionally, the trauma stories of my client population were starting to get to me and I wanted to hear from professionals how they had coped with secondary traumatization; what was and is for me an increasingly important aspect of working with traumatized clients. In short, I wanted to be at this conference.

Just as I had expectations and plans for conference weekend, so did the conference planners, speakers and organizers. The conference lasted for three days in West Virginia, located in a hotel’s conference center. The days had each of three main components, in various flavors and sequences: lectures by the main speaker, small group meetings, and a socialization opportunity. Conference attendees were expected to participate in at least the first two of these components, while the third was optional. The conference was very well organized, the speaker was knowledgeable, and all the logistics ran smoothly. In fact I feel fairly confident that most attendees enjoyed a nicely organized conference weekend and were happy with all of its components.

I would not say that I am an exception. The first evening (a Friday evening) started well. Towson students had a great showing at the conference and people noticed. We had the support of each other in testing out new territory as budding professionals, and we were all excited. The first evening began with a two-hour or so presentation about basic trauma theory by the guest presenter. I had had a crash course in most of it at my practicum, so most of the first lecture was a review. It was encouraging to me in terms of the relevancy of the weekend and my expectations. After the lecture, it was announced that we were to meet in smaller, pre-assigned groups for 90 minutes. These were to be process groups and open for whatever group members wanted to use the time for. My group was assigned to meet in a hotel suite on the fourth floor.

I wasted time finding my way up to the fourth floor to avoid the awkwardness of being the first to arrive, but somehow still managed to be only the second group member to come into the room after one of the co-leaders whom had already sat down. Within the next five minutes most of the other group members arrived and there we sat: the seven of us plus two co-leaders. The session turned to be very psycho-analytic and minimal in co-leader involvement.

The first hour during that session was pained with silences and polite surface-talk. Still, the various members began to settle into their various roles. There was the “make everyone happy” woman whom had helped organized the conference; the “I am changing careers but I’m still more knowledgeable and lofty” woman from DC; the “foreign doctor” who struggled through his accent and connected everything to medical symptoms and terminology; the “I’m a homosexual from Hopkins and I’ve been in a million groups before” boy from a Master’s program at Hopkins; the “perfect student, perfect group member, I did all the reading” girl; the “I’m so kind- hearted and understand everybody” woman; and me, the “I’m shy because I’ve never done anything like this, but I want you to think I’m smart” girl from Towson.

The group leaders said little to nothing. However, after some time their roles within the co-leader role began to delineate as well. They both were the “we don’t talk, we listen even though silence is awkward” psychodynamic co-leaders. They were both female. One woman fell into the “I don’t say much but when I do I’m always right and effective, I’m perfectly parsimonious” role, partly determined by her age and presumed vast experience with groups. The other woman became the “I’m new at this but I’m trying and therefore much more likeable” leader role. At first, I liked them both.

An hour passed in our first session as a small group and all the usual beginning stage of group standards were being met. We were awkward, feeling out the group roles and expectations for ourselves and each other. The mood was not aggressive, but it was definitely tense. Then, the Hopkins boy was telling a story about a previous group he had been in when the foreign doctor interrupted. The parsimonious and perfect older co-leader jumped in with an intervention that no one got. I felt bad for her, and tried to bail her out. I asked if she wanted a play-by-play summary of what had just happened to help the group back-track a little. She said nothing. I proceeded to summarize the past 2 minutes or so of interaction when she interrupted me to say that was not what she wanted, followed with a rephrase of the same ineffective intervention as before.

At this point, I realize my story-telling tone takes on some hostility towards this co-leader. In retrospect I would edit that out for respectfulness’ sake, but I leave it because that was very much how I began to feel: hostile towards this leader- but the interruption was not why. In response to her interruption, I jokingly said, “oh, shut me up!” Apparently, the co-leader took this personally. Magically, the group began to transfer all the awkward tension from the session to me and my comment, following the co-leader’s lead. They began grilling me about insecurities and my childhood, asking me what was wrong with me to have said such a thing and so forth. All this occurred within a minute and I had somehow become the problem of the group. I had taken on all the negative energy and the group was focused on me as the source of it.

I began to withdraw which turned into blaming by the group and the parsimonious perfect co-leader for distributing my “negativity” to the group and ruining the group experience. I wanted to dissolve into the couch. I wanted to crawl into a deep dark hole. I wanted to run out of the room. I wanted not to cry. The situation continued to evolve, pigeon-holing me into this negative role. My brain and my tongue were mixed up and I couldn’t talk because I thought my eyes would start to leak. The session ended. I kept up my collected façade until I got to the stairwell, leaving my group to ride the elevator together. Then I ran- I ran down the stairs and outside the building. My heart was pounding in my chest. I felt hurt, my cheeks were wet. I collapsed onto a bench to collect myself as panic set in.

In retrospect it is clear what type of transference occurred in that room. The older women assumed roles of defensive mothers towards resistant children. I assumed my childhood role of taking the negativity and anger without comment or complaint. The other tense group members followed suit and the negative, tense energy all went to me. I was the group scapegoat. They brought up too much too fast without any trust or rapport to speak of, and everyone, not just me, reverted to their more insecure, subjective selves. However, this does not by any stretch of the imagination excuse the co-leaders for the damage done in that session. It was nothing short of a first-session disaster forged from violating the basic rules of the beginning stage. Don’t push people too hard, don’t leave negativity unaddressed, don’t scapegoat anyone.

Needless to say, I fought an internal struggle the rest of that weekend to keep a positive attitude. The small groups were set to meet once or twice a day for the remainder of the weekend. I was terrified to go back. I lost sleep. I had nightmares. I even had a panic attack. Not to mention anything I planned on taking from this session in terms of my own personal and professional development had taken a major backseat. I am proud to say I somehow found the courage to go back to the next group meeting. I was hurting so bad, and feeling so scared, it was all I could do not to cry during that meeting. Group members shared feelings about my “hostility” and said I was “punishing them” for not talking that session. They said they had had bad dreams. I wonder if any of them considered that if they had had bad dreams, what it was that I had gone through. The perfect co-leader joined in the hurtful banter with how one person can destroy a group dynamic. They all said they were working so hard to “help me.” Still, I could say nothing. I was too hurt, I was too emotional. My throat wouldn’t let any words out. The second small group session ended.

The presentations and lectures of the weekend were long. Some felt relevant, some did not. I tried to suppress my feelings and learn what I could. I was lucky to have friends around me to help me keep it together that weekend. It was hard, and I didn’t need it. Even now, writing about it, it still hurts. Isn’t it funny how three hours with strangers can have that effect?

The last small group session was first thing Sunday morning. Again, I mustered the courage to go. By now the group had some side issues they were discussing and helping each other with. Still, I could not talk. Finally, towards the very end of the 90 minutes, I had convinced myself I needed to say something to the group, and that I could manage it while containing my feelings. I told them that I had felt targeted. I told them that during the first session I felt that I had become the center of all the negative and tense energy. I explained how excited I was to come to the conference and my feelings of confusion about what had happened in group the past few days, that I was not the person they thought I was.

Feeling pressured to give the group more to increase my likeability and therefore their ability to empathize (think about that statement, it upsets me that it was true) I told them about some of my past. I told them about my religious family and my role as the center of negativity for second- guessing religion. I told them how at times I thought that if my family was going to think of me badly, I might as well give that to them; after all, they thought it already. Someone from the group said that I did not have to act a certain way to be liked or not liked in group. I countered her, my boldness increasing, by saying that I did. That it was not until I told the group about myself and some of my own story, that they felt okay about me and “forgave” me. I told them I wasn’t ready to share that stuff with them, but that I thought that my options were to do that, or to leave carrying all the hostility, and that apparently, I was right. The group said nothing. The parsimonious perfect leader went into a story about how she was trying so hard to be a good therapist. The group focused on sympathizing with her. The session ended.

Bringing the weekend experience full-circle I honestly have to say that it was a terrible experience. For a few weeks after that I struggled with feelings of anxiety and sadness related to the small group sessions and what they brought up for me. I had been traumatized by my weekend on working with trauma in groups. I had to do a lot of self-care and self-reassurance that I was not the things that I had been labeled. I was even forced to address concerns surfaced by the experience about being a counselor at all. These things should not have happened as a result of that weekend, at least not in that way.

Feeling hurt the way that I do by the events of that conference weekend, I will admit it is hard for me to speak respectfully of the benefits it had for me. However, no matter how difficult the weekend was for me emotionally, I did learn important things that I will never forget. Some of those things are about good friends and inner strengths and are for a different essay. The one thing I learned that is important here is how it feels to be the ostracized group member. I learned first-hand the devastating consequences of neglecting to address conflict and forcing members to tell too much too quickly. I saw how damaging isolation and scapegoating is. I was lucky to have self-care strategies, a support system, and insight to get through my negative group experience. Many people do not. All the teens in my teen empowerment group have problems in one if not more of those areas. I learned that the guidelines in terms of group stages (the beginning stage most especially) are not just written for academic structure and teaching. They are written because they matter, and because they absolutely cannot be neglected.

Playing Catch-Up

We've all heard it: prioritize. Consolidate all the many things that are expected of you by so many people (including yourself), the things you need to do to financially, physically and emotionally survive, and any "me time" you may have left over. I've always thought this was a very smart-sounding, yet impossible, almost silly, piece of advice.

People today, and especially in today's economy, have too much to do. Many are holding down one, two, three and more jobs to meet basic needs. Most are struggling with some type of debt- be it college loans, paying off big purchases like a car or house, or simply lines of credit used for emergencies that haven't seen enough financial surplus after basic needs to be fully paid off yet. I feel that once the requisite amount of time has been spent on addressing these complex monetary concerns, little time is left for the most important tasks on our agenda: self-care.

Therapists hear this over and over. "Take time for yourself. It is no longer a luxury to take time to take care of yourself. You have to take care of yourself," blah blah blah. Not to be pejoritive; this is great advice. The problem is it is absolutely correct, and completely impossible. Well, that's an exaggeration. I guess just mostly impossible. Tell me who has time to just take a nap, write a poem, journal, take a walk or jog, go to a museum, or have coffee with friends with all their other demanding responsibilities.

Let's consider for a moment the unique plight of the working woman. Luckily, in today's increasingly progressive society, there are increasingly more opportunities for women in the work place (varying payscales aside). What still hasn't changed are all of the woman's responsibilities in the home. Granted, there are many wonderful partners out there who split housework with women 50:50. God bless you. However, let's not kid ourselves by saying the classical division of labor between men and women is still the norm. Women are expected to cook, clean, housekeep, and watch the children. Any of us who have had to do these things for ourselves, let alone partners, children and other dependents, know that this is it's own full time job. Back to that woman with the opportunity to pursue her aspirations and career goals. She comes home from a long day at work, where likely she's busted her *ss to stay ahead in her career, and now she has a second shift of gender-specified tasks. Pobrecita.

One more thought on this. We all know the economy is in the crapper (I know, I can be so eloquent), but it is. Maybe it's on its way up again, maybe it's not. Regardless, people are losing their jobs. This brings up an interesting question. Now that women are finally pursuing their careers next to men, who loses their job first when the economy sucks? That question is largely rhetorical.

On the crashing economy- an ironic and sadistic thought. I am supervised as an MA level intern at a domestic violence and sexual assault counseling center. As the economy gets worse, we are seeing a huge spike in clients in our agency (our agency is sliding scale and doesn't charge most of its clients so the money here is not an obstacle for clients). Do you know why? People are home, they have lost their jobs, and they are unhappy. You do the math. The point is, the awful, sadistic point, is that the more the job market crashes, the more a future for me in the counseling profession/population I am working in is secure. Try and sleep on that.