Ok I have to admit it- I am exhausted. I am not even done w/ gradschool let alone actively practicing in the field of psych and already I'm facing burnout. This is when I realized it:
I was sitting today at one of my two jobs talking to a friend online who said they had had a day to do laundry and dishes and all of those things (that is what they would do during a weekday lately or something). I immediately thought- How wonderful would that be!? Picturing the stack of dirty dishes in my sink and my hamper towering over with dirty laundry that I just DON'T HAVE TIME TO DO. That is so frustrating!
So it has been a year since I have been living on my own, working two jobs, taking a full course load of classes, managing a relationship, taking care of a puppy nacio (y manoso tambien), trying to practice and drill my spanish, write a thesis, keep painting paintings, run every day, and manage my tiny paycheck to paycheck budget against my hugely inflated bills. That is just the logistic stress- there is also emotional stress. Stress of studying psychology and working with clinical populations, stress of living alone and lonliness, relationship drama, family issues, coping with my own traumatic experiences, and so on it goes.
Needless to say, I am exhausted; mentally and physically. It was a sign to me when I started having nightmares or when I couldn't find one sock (with plenty more availible) and started to cry. I am at overload. You know, the good advice from here too is just a list of more things TO DO which I do NOT have any time for. AT ALL.
Don't get me wrong, I realize everybody is busy, but I also realize this: I am not superman and I am getting TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Breif thoughts on corporate America
Several things annoy me about corporate America. By corporate America I mean white- collar jobs that require computers (usually) and cubicles (more often than not) and monkey suits (always). Today what I don't like is the "work". Ever feel like you are busy doing things all day but get nothing useful done? Today I am working on a revamp of a corporate system by switching subgroups members belong to into fewer, larger groups. WHAT A WASTE OF MY TIME. I could be doing something useful like working on my research, but nope, gotta pay the rent. I have to ask the hackneyed question-what happened? How did we get this way? Somehow someone decided that this needs to be done: paperwork NEEDS to happen, filing NEEDS to happen, data entry and other gopher work NEEDS to happen. More on this later- I have to get back to my "work."
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
People watching: The spider and the fly and sitting at Panera
She is not a west coast girl. Her hair is not bleached and stacked, her nails aren't done, her face isn't made up and her bag is not Louis Vuitton ( I even had to look up how to spell that). She's probably wearing a ten dollar dress with cheaper shoes, but they all match her eyes. The hair might have been brushed this morning but driving down the beltway for twenty minutes with the windows down pulled it every which way and it looks tousled, a lone bobby pin struggling to hold it away from her face. She is fervently bent forward over a laptop she got on special (which has since been recalled) sipping on a lemonade (the price for using the free internet at Panera). Every now and then she looks up, looks around, passes through some unreadable expressions, then goes back to her work. These are the tell tale signs of an overworked, underpaid, struggling graduate student in psychology. She is struggling mind body and finance, but she is happy.
Though I am guilty of such a display, I maintain that I am not the intellectual-student-young-person stereotype you find doing such things. Or maybe I am, and I just hate stereotypes. Anyway, the stereotype and associated labels are not why I am at Panera. I go for the free internet, because it is closer to my classes than my tiny apartment, and most importantly, to people watch. I may not be a professional counselor yet, but I am a very accomplished people watcher.
If you are quiet enough, and let youself blend into the bustle of a busy coffee house or small lunch place, people stop noticing you and you can notice them all you want. Psychology is based on a presupposition of normal behavior, which is interesting, because my people watching skills tell me there is no such thing as a normal person- just crazy people who behave "normally." Give that one some thought. That means I am outright finger pointing at everyone as crazy and posers, but don't worry: if everyone is a crazy and a poser, there are no such labels anyway. They only exist in my own mental filing system.
Psychology has shifted in many theoretical approaches from normal behavior to adaptive behavior. I like the latter defenition better. Adaptive behavior doesn't imply homogeneity, and people are definately not that. Domestic violence- the spider and the fly (a good read, so I'm told, I'll let you know). Interpersonal relationships may be the worst way to understand someone, and at the same time the best way we know how. Instead of relating to norms which may not be real anyway, it is more useful to relate a person to our own frame of reference. At least we know the most about ourselves (how Cartesian, sigh.)
Seriously though we already do it. Someone stands us up, we are pissed or not based on our own frame of reference. What happens when our own frame of reference becomes confused or faulty and we justify things we may not otherwise? First we realize it, which, given the stipulations may be impossible. If we (amazingly) can do that, we seek out help from others (counselors?) and hope that their frame of reference can help us understand where we need to be, without letting that person tell us what to do or adapting their philosophy. Sound impossible? Don't worry counselors. That is what theory is for. Someone elses' over-thought, under-researched paradigm is a way to be objective yet functional. Seems to have worked so far, but are we copping out relying on someone else to explain the world to us instead of learning for ourselves? Does all that trust and dependence only require flimsy credentials and we accept them (i.e. a Ph.D?)
To bring the conversation full circle, here I am, sitting at Panera, wasting time writing my blog, people watching. People watching to the point that I have a whole stupid blog to write about it. What are other people thinking about me? I'm a poser, I'm a slacker, I don't work hard or have a full time job? I might think that about me if I was people watching someone else, but how far off would I be? I have two jobs, I am taking classes full time, and have a puppy and a boyfriend taking up all my free time. I started this blog with a point, and ended it by self example contradicting everything I just said. Main point: use yourself as a frame of reference, but not when you are contemplating yourself. I wonder if that will work.
Though I am guilty of such a display, I maintain that I am not the intellectual-student-young-person stereotype you find doing such things. Or maybe I am, and I just hate stereotypes. Anyway, the stereotype and associated labels are not why I am at Panera. I go for the free internet, because it is closer to my classes than my tiny apartment, and most importantly, to people watch. I may not be a professional counselor yet, but I am a very accomplished people watcher.
If you are quiet enough, and let youself blend into the bustle of a busy coffee house or small lunch place, people stop noticing you and you can notice them all you want. Psychology is based on a presupposition of normal behavior, which is interesting, because my people watching skills tell me there is no such thing as a normal person- just crazy people who behave "normally." Give that one some thought. That means I am outright finger pointing at everyone as crazy and posers, but don't worry: if everyone is a crazy and a poser, there are no such labels anyway. They only exist in my own mental filing system.
Psychology has shifted in many theoretical approaches from normal behavior to adaptive behavior. I like the latter defenition better. Adaptive behavior doesn't imply homogeneity, and people are definately not that. Domestic violence- the spider and the fly (a good read, so I'm told, I'll let you know). Interpersonal relationships may be the worst way to understand someone, and at the same time the best way we know how. Instead of relating to norms which may not be real anyway, it is more useful to relate a person to our own frame of reference. At least we know the most about ourselves (how Cartesian, sigh.)
Seriously though we already do it. Someone stands us up, we are pissed or not based on our own frame of reference. What happens when our own frame of reference becomes confused or faulty and we justify things we may not otherwise? First we realize it, which, given the stipulations may be impossible. If we (amazingly) can do that, we seek out help from others (counselors?) and hope that their frame of reference can help us understand where we need to be, without letting that person tell us what to do or adapting their philosophy. Sound impossible? Don't worry counselors. That is what theory is for. Someone elses' over-thought, under-researched paradigm is a way to be objective yet functional. Seems to have worked so far, but are we copping out relying on someone else to explain the world to us instead of learning for ourselves? Does all that trust and dependence only require flimsy credentials and we accept them (i.e. a Ph.D?)
To bring the conversation full circle, here I am, sitting at Panera, wasting time writing my blog, people watching. People watching to the point that I have a whole stupid blog to write about it. What are other people thinking about me? I'm a poser, I'm a slacker, I don't work hard or have a full time job? I might think that about me if I was people watching someone else, but how far off would I be? I have two jobs, I am taking classes full time, and have a puppy and a boyfriend taking up all my free time. I started this blog with a point, and ended it by self example contradicting everything I just said. Main point: use yourself as a frame of reference, but not when you are contemplating yourself. I wonder if that will work.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Random Musings
Watching one car tailgate another is like watching my dog follow me around when I’ve got a treat in my pocket.
In person conversations have been reduced to parking garages and check out lines.
Some ceiling lamps DEFINITELY look like nipples.
Running up hill is hard when you can’t see the top of the hill yet.
A venti coffee is too much coffee because caffeine makes me pee.
Everything is rational when rationalized.
State license plate slogan makers need to try harder.
Sometimes puppies pee the carpet.
And ruin new pdas.
And hump your pillows.
Or leg.
Biology is compartmentalized but thinking, thought and reason are on a spectrum. Question- How can I know anything about biology?
The ratio of people who do their job well to those who don’t is not enough to too many.
It sucks when you are falling asleep watching tv and the dog has hidden the remote.
Relationships are for kissing, not yelling.
Food is important.
So is sarcasm.
Glitter does not brush off- it is the herpes of craft supplies.
The weird ones are the normal ones.
Oil paint takes a long time to dry.
Qualify almost everything you say.
Pigeons are rats of the sky.
You probably owe me money. You should really get that to me.
What does paper documentation prove?
Big trees are beautiful.
Blame it on entropy.
Lock your doors at night only if you expect someone will try and break in.
Science is scattered and information is sloppy.
Some people are just rude.
Holding it is bad for you.
Girls belong in a maul.
Everything needs a soundtrack.
The clock moves most slowly while you’re watching it.
In person conversations have been reduced to parking garages and check out lines.
Some ceiling lamps DEFINITELY look like nipples.
Running up hill is hard when you can’t see the top of the hill yet.
A venti coffee is too much coffee because caffeine makes me pee.
Everything is rational when rationalized.
State license plate slogan makers need to try harder.
Sometimes puppies pee the carpet.
And ruin new pdas.
And hump your pillows.
Or leg.
Biology is compartmentalized but thinking, thought and reason are on a spectrum. Question- How can I know anything about biology?
The ratio of people who do their job well to those who don’t is not enough to too many.
It sucks when you are falling asleep watching tv and the dog has hidden the remote.
Relationships are for kissing, not yelling.
Food is important.
So is sarcasm.
Glitter does not brush off- it is the herpes of craft supplies.
The weird ones are the normal ones.
Oil paint takes a long time to dry.
Qualify almost everything you say.
Pigeons are rats of the sky.
You probably owe me money. You should really get that to me.
What does paper documentation prove?
Big trees are beautiful.
Blame it on entropy.
Lock your doors at night only if you expect someone will try and break in.
Science is scattered and information is sloppy.
Some people are just rude.
Holding it is bad for you.
Girls belong in a maul.
Everything needs a soundtrack.
The clock moves most slowly while you’re watching it.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Facades, communication and how well we really know each other
When I was in college, I worked on a paint crew painting dorms all summer. When you are painting, there is a lot of freed up mental space to talk and think about things. One summer, my boss, Milton, introduced me to a theory he called the "mirror theory." It's not revolutionary, but it has stuck with me. The theory basically is this: the way you feel about someone else is the way they feel about you. My immediate reaction to this information was, "S***! They know that I don't like them!?"
Special cases aside, people are usually "nice" to each other. "I like your shoes," "How was your weekend," "How have you been," and similar comments, are shared between casual friends and coworkers all the time. Assuming we know how our close friends feel about us- what about everyone else? Are these comments sincere, or are they just a convenient cover up for calculated animosity? Don't tell me you don't care, because even if you're like me and say that, you still do a little. Do people I am nice to but don't like, feel and act the same way towards me? I mean, it's fine if I secretly don't like someone, but for them to feel that way about me when I'm being perfectly fakely nice is outrageous.
Ever find yourself secretly disliking someone (to varying degrees) one second, until they say something to you like "Nice shoes!" and you like them again? Are they just playing nice too by using tried and true expressions to "listen" to and "flatter" you? If they are, that's infuriating. Only I am allowed to do that because obviously noone has any reasons to dislike me (whereas people who I dislike clearly I have reasons to dislike, such as, they're mean). I've written posts before about people not saying what they mean and being tactful, etc, and beaten that subject to death, I feel. However, as one of the most sarcastic and skeptical person of others I know (until I get to know them, of course), can even I be fooled by someone who secretly doesn't like me?
Friction exists, even between people who are perfectly nice to each other, just because their personalities are different. Do we ingest this and magnify it to the point where we take it personally that someone could dislike us for "no reason"? I mean really, what's the big deal when statistically it's just gonna happen? Why can't we just fake it to fool the friction?
Special cases aside, people are usually "nice" to each other. "I like your shoes," "How was your weekend," "How have you been," and similar comments, are shared between casual friends and coworkers all the time. Assuming we know how our close friends feel about us- what about everyone else? Are these comments sincere, or are they just a convenient cover up for calculated animosity? Don't tell me you don't care, because even if you're like me and say that, you still do a little. Do people I am nice to but don't like, feel and act the same way towards me? I mean, it's fine if I secretly don't like someone, but for them to feel that way about me when I'm being perfectly fakely nice is outrageous.
Ever find yourself secretly disliking someone (to varying degrees) one second, until they say something to you like "Nice shoes!" and you like them again? Are they just playing nice too by using tried and true expressions to "listen" to and "flatter" you? If they are, that's infuriating. Only I am allowed to do that because obviously noone has any reasons to dislike me (whereas people who I dislike clearly I have reasons to dislike, such as, they're mean). I've written posts before about people not saying what they mean and being tactful, etc, and beaten that subject to death, I feel. However, as one of the most sarcastic and skeptical person of others I know (until I get to know them, of course), can even I be fooled by someone who secretly doesn't like me?
Friction exists, even between people who are perfectly nice to each other, just because their personalities are different. Do we ingest this and magnify it to the point where we take it personally that someone could dislike us for "no reason"? I mean really, what's the big deal when statistically it's just gonna happen? Why can't we just fake it to fool the friction?
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Thoughts about tact
Who decided we couldn't tell people what they need to hear? Even more importantly, who decided people can't handle the truth? In reality, when was not hearing the truth up front easier for anybody? I can think of only one example:
Friend with terrible haircut: Do you like my haircut?
Me: It's adorable!
Friend with terrible haircut: Oh phew because I wasn't sure and there is nothing I can do until it grows out, anyway.
Friend with grown out terrible haircut several months later: I'm going to get a haircut, I was thinking of just getting the same (terrible haircut).
Me several months later: You know, I really like it long better. I wasn't a huge fan of that old cut.
Friend with grown out terrible haircut several months later: Yeah, maybe you're right.
Otherwise, cut the s**t and just say it like it is. Except we're not allowed because people's feelings will get "hurt." Except that really isn't the problem, is it? The problem is we can't say it like it is because it could give the other person the chance to call us insensitive or relocate their anger, frustration or whatever, to us.
Tact is something I have mixed feelings about in counseling. Obviously, there is a time and a place. If someone is suicidal, you don't say, "You idiot, don't do such a dumb thing." Instead, you tactfully convey the same message in a less disturbing way such as, "Do you have a plan/means/etc?" See, the suicidal person has a REASON to be feeling fragile and require tact on our part. They have a serious mental disturbance or trauma or what have you dominating their thoughts and honestly need some non-judgemental sensitivity; but what I want to know is when did that behavior become ubiquitous? When did people who really DO need to be called out on their s**t deserve tact as well? You know as well as I do if you don't follow the tact social norm you will be called a b**ch, insensitive, angry or whatever negative adjectives come to mind for the complainer. Don't they know that being honest is only the best for them, even though it may be harder for you to say?
Of course this tactful tangent originated in an experience with my apparent tactlessness that got me thinking. Clearly, I am not a fan of "tactfulness." Now that my reasoning is crystal clear, what I want to know is, what am I missing? Why can't people be pissed off? If they did something stupid, or are asked a question in openness and honesty, they can be upset and that's ok. It gets stupid when they are upset at you like you are an a-hole for communicating without the fluff. I mean seriously- they would have known what you meant with or without the tact, so why bother with the formality and fakeness? You might as well be as obvious as, "No offense, but....." Of course you are about to say something offensive, you are just also providing a disclaimer so you don't have to take responsibility for it. Lame, right?
Friend with terrible haircut: Do you like my haircut?
Me: It's adorable!
Friend with terrible haircut: Oh phew because I wasn't sure and there is nothing I can do until it grows out, anyway.
Friend with grown out terrible haircut several months later: I'm going to get a haircut, I was thinking of just getting the same (terrible haircut).
Me several months later: You know, I really like it long better. I wasn't a huge fan of that old cut.
Friend with grown out terrible haircut several months later: Yeah, maybe you're right.
Otherwise, cut the s**t and just say it like it is. Except we're not allowed because people's feelings will get "hurt." Except that really isn't the problem, is it? The problem is we can't say it like it is because it could give the other person the chance to call us insensitive or relocate their anger, frustration or whatever, to us.
Tact is something I have mixed feelings about in counseling. Obviously, there is a time and a place. If someone is suicidal, you don't say, "You idiot, don't do such a dumb thing." Instead, you tactfully convey the same message in a less disturbing way such as, "Do you have a plan/means/etc?" See, the suicidal person has a REASON to be feeling fragile and require tact on our part. They have a serious mental disturbance or trauma or what have you dominating their thoughts and honestly need some non-judgemental sensitivity; but what I want to know is when did that behavior become ubiquitous? When did people who really DO need to be called out on their s**t deserve tact as well? You know as well as I do if you don't follow the tact social norm you will be called a b**ch, insensitive, angry or whatever negative adjectives come to mind for the complainer. Don't they know that being honest is only the best for them, even though it may be harder for you to say?
Of course this tactful tangent originated in an experience with my apparent tactlessness that got me thinking. Clearly, I am not a fan of "tactfulness." Now that my reasoning is crystal clear, what I want to know is, what am I missing? Why can't people be pissed off? If they did something stupid, or are asked a question in openness and honesty, they can be upset and that's ok. It gets stupid when they are upset at you like you are an a-hole for communicating without the fluff. I mean seriously- they would have known what you meant with or without the tact, so why bother with the formality and fakeness? You might as well be as obvious as, "No offense, but....." Of course you are about to say something offensive, you are just also providing a disclaimer so you don't have to take responsibility for it. Lame, right?
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