Playing Catch-Up

We've all heard it: prioritize. Consolidate all the many things that are expected of you by so many people (including yourself), the things you need to do to financially, physically and emotionally survive, and any "me time" you may have left over. I've always thought this was a very smart-sounding, yet impossible, almost silly, piece of advice.

People today, and especially in today's economy, have too much to do. Many are holding down one, two, three and more jobs to meet basic needs. Most are struggling with some type of debt- be it college loans, paying off big purchases like a car or house, or simply lines of credit used for emergencies that haven't seen enough financial surplus after basic needs to be fully paid off yet. I feel that once the requisite amount of time has been spent on addressing these complex monetary concerns, little time is left for the most important tasks on our agenda: self-care.

Therapists hear this over and over. "Take time for yourself. It is no longer a luxury to take time to take care of yourself. You have to take care of yourself," blah blah blah. Not to be pejoritive; this is great advice. The problem is it is absolutely correct, and completely impossible. Well, that's an exaggeration. I guess just mostly impossible. Tell me who has time to just take a nap, write a poem, journal, take a walk or jog, go to a museum, or have coffee with friends with all their other demanding responsibilities.

Let's consider for a moment the unique plight of the working woman. Luckily, in today's increasingly progressive society, there are increasingly more opportunities for women in the work place (varying payscales aside). What still hasn't changed are all of the woman's responsibilities in the home. Granted, there are many wonderful partners out there who split housework with women 50:50. God bless you. However, let's not kid ourselves by saying the classical division of labor between men and women is still the norm. Women are expected to cook, clean, housekeep, and watch the children. Any of us who have had to do these things for ourselves, let alone partners, children and other dependents, know that this is it's own full time job. Back to that woman with the opportunity to pursue her aspirations and career goals. She comes home from a long day at work, where likely she's busted her *ss to stay ahead in her career, and now she has a second shift of gender-specified tasks. Pobrecita.

One more thought on this. We all know the economy is in the crapper (I know, I can be so eloquent), but it is. Maybe it's on its way up again, maybe it's not. Regardless, people are losing their jobs. This brings up an interesting question. Now that women are finally pursuing their careers next to men, who loses their job first when the economy sucks? That question is largely rhetorical.

On the crashing economy- an ironic and sadistic thought. I am supervised as an MA level intern at a domestic violence and sexual assault counseling center. As the economy gets worse, we are seeing a huge spike in clients in our agency (our agency is sliding scale and doesn't charge most of its clients so the money here is not an obstacle for clients). Do you know why? People are home, they have lost their jobs, and they are unhappy. You do the math. The point is, the awful, sadistic point, is that the more the job market crashes, the more a future for me in the counseling profession/population I am working in is secure. Try and sleep on that.

On Talking to the Boss

I hate having to do this. I'm a hard worker, and so in my mind there is always this understanding that I am a good employee, doing good work, and my boss is always thinking, "I'm so glad I hired her." Then one of two things happens:

Scenario one: Boss calls you into office and shuts door. Something embarrassing about dress code, personal phone calls, or emails ensues.

Scenario two: You need to talk to the boss. You need time off, are asking for a raise, discussing a coworker, what have you. Half this battle is getting the nerves to just knock on the office door and bringing the situation on yourself, so to speak.

I have had a job since I was 14. I have been through scenario one as I stumbled through learning all the ridiculous red tape associated with corporate America. Gag. I have been through scenario two when I felt a situation needed to be brought to the boss' attention. The latest was in college when two boys were crossing the line of comfort with some other coworkers.

Here's the thing. I am nice. Usually. But I DEFINATELY want my boss and coworkers (and even friends) to think I'm nice. It's true that I don't enjoy having to create a situation. In fact, I hate it. But I don't know that I can attribute all of that to just being nice. Some of it is self preservation too, I think.

You know what, I am not afraid of confrontation. At all. Bring it on. BUT if you are my boss, please just send me an email.

For Their Own Good.

There is at least one, if not many more romantic or drama genre films, books and stories where one character has to make a sacrifice for another: for the first's benefit and at the second's expense. Let me get more specific. Remember that scene where the friend is convincing the character that they have to tell someone they hate them and to get out of their life to protect them? The logic always being, if you don't make them hate you, they will never fully get over/get out/go away from you; and if they did not get over/get out/ or go away from you some part of their physical, emotional, mental or somesuch health or betterment will be compromised. Ok. Needless to say recently this type of sacrifice has been on my mind.

I feel I am a nice person- (neither here nor there the point is I don't like being mean to people). When I find the situation calls for some less genial exchanges, I worry and obsess about it both before and after. I worry if the other person is ok, if I did what was right and necessary and was it for the best. There is a complicated moment in a relationship when friendships that began before the relationship become threatening to one or the other person in the relationship. Whether it be insecurity or mistrust (hopefully not of the partner but perhaps of the friend/ friendship) this moment always seems to happen. Now you're in a pickle. Do you cancel those threatening friendships to appease the relationship? Surely not- you shouldn't have to compromise such important parts of yourself and your life. It does get you thinking, though.

You know those quasi relationships? The friends who always are "better" friends, the ones you had/have an attraction to? The friendships that always possibly could potentially be more? What is to be done with these when you are in a new relationship and question if the "friend" is perhaps still hopeful of a different kind of relationship?

I solved this one by being mean. I thought it would be easier to dislike me. I hope I was right.

On Exhaustion

Ok I have to admit it- I am exhausted. I am not even done w/ gradschool let alone actively practicing in the field of psych and already I'm facing burnout. This is when I realized it:

I was sitting today at one of my two jobs talking to a friend online who said they had had a day to do laundry and dishes and all of those things (that is what they would do during a weekday lately or something). I immediately thought- How wonderful would that be!? Picturing the stack of dirty dishes in my sink and my hamper towering over with dirty laundry that I just DON'T HAVE TIME TO DO. That is so frustrating!

So it has been a year since I have been living on my own, working two jobs, taking a full course load of classes, managing a relationship, taking care of a puppy nacio (y manoso tambien), trying to practice and drill my spanish, write a thesis, keep painting paintings, run every day, and manage my tiny paycheck to paycheck budget against my hugely inflated bills. That is just the logistic stress- there is also emotional stress. Stress of studying psychology and working with clinical populations, stress of living alone and lonliness, relationship drama, family issues, coping with my own traumatic experiences, and so on it goes.

Needless to say, I am exhausted; mentally and physically. It was a sign to me when I started having nightmares or when I couldn't find one sock (with plenty more availible) and started to cry. I am at overload. You know, the good advice from here too is just a list of more things TO DO which I do NOT have any time for. AT ALL.

Don't get me wrong, I realize everybody is busy, but I also realize this: I am not superman and I am getting TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!

Breif thoughts on corporate America

Several things annoy me about corporate America. By corporate America I mean white- collar jobs that require computers (usually) and cubicles (more often than not) and monkey suits (always). Today what I don't like is the "work". Ever feel like you are busy doing things all day but get nothing useful done? Today I am working on a revamp of a corporate system by switching subgroups members belong to into fewer, larger groups. WHAT A WASTE OF MY TIME. I could be doing something useful like working on my research, but nope, gotta pay the rent. I have to ask the hackneyed question-what happened? How did we get this way? Somehow someone decided that this needs to be done: paperwork NEEDS to happen, filing NEEDS to happen, data entry and other gopher work NEEDS to happen. More on this later- I have to get back to my "work."

People watching: The spider and the fly and sitting at Panera

She is not a west coast girl. Her hair is not bleached and stacked, her nails aren't done, her face isn't made up and her bag is not Louis Vuitton ( I even had to look up how to spell that). She's probably wearing a ten dollar dress with cheaper shoes, but they all match her eyes. The hair might have been brushed this morning but driving down the beltway for twenty minutes with the windows down pulled it every which way and it looks tousled, a lone bobby pin struggling to hold it away from her face. She is fervently bent forward over a laptop she got on special (which has since been recalled) sipping on a lemonade (the price for using the free internet at Panera). Every now and then she looks up, looks around, passes through some unreadable expressions, then goes back to her work. These are the tell tale signs of an overworked, underpaid, struggling graduate student in psychology. She is struggling mind body and finance, but she is happy.

Though I am guilty of such a display, I maintain that I am not the intellectual-student-young-person stereotype you find doing such things. Or maybe I am, and I just hate stereotypes. Anyway, the stereotype and associated labels are not why I am at Panera. I go for the free internet, because it is closer to my classes than my tiny apartment, and most importantly, to people watch. I may not be a professional counselor yet, but I am a very accomplished people watcher.

If you are quiet enough, and let youself blend into the bustle of a busy coffee house or small lunch place, people stop noticing you and you can notice them all you want. Psychology is based on a presupposition of normal behavior, which is interesting, because my people watching skills tell me there is no such thing as a normal person- just crazy people who behave "normally." Give that one some thought. That means I am outright finger pointing at everyone as crazy and posers, but don't worry: if everyone is a crazy and a poser, there are no such labels anyway. They only exist in my own mental filing system.

Psychology has shifted in many theoretical approaches from normal behavior to adaptive behavior. I like the latter defenition better. Adaptive behavior doesn't imply homogeneity, and people are definately not that. Domestic violence- the spider and the fly (a good read, so I'm told, I'll let you know). Interpersonal relationships may be the worst way to understand someone, and at the same time the best way we know how. Instead of relating to norms which may not be real anyway, it is more useful to relate a person to our own frame of reference. At least we know the most about ourselves (how Cartesian, sigh.)

Seriously though we already do it. Someone stands us up, we are pissed or not based on our own frame of reference. What happens when our own frame of reference becomes confused or faulty and we justify things we may not otherwise? First we realize it, which, given the stipulations may be impossible. If we (amazingly) can do that, we seek out help from others (counselors?) and hope that their frame of reference can help us understand where we need to be, without letting that person tell us what to do or adapting their philosophy. Sound impossible? Don't worry counselors. That is what theory is for. Someone elses' over-thought, under-researched paradigm is a way to be objective yet functional. Seems to have worked so far, but are we copping out relying on someone else to explain the world to us instead of learning for ourselves? Does all that trust and dependence only require flimsy credentials and we accept them (i.e. a Ph.D?)

To bring the conversation full circle, here I am, sitting at Panera, wasting time writing my blog, people watching. People watching to the point that I have a whole stupid blog to write about it. What are other people thinking about me? I'm a poser, I'm a slacker, I don't work hard or have a full time job? I might think that about me if I was people watching someone else, but how far off would I be? I have two jobs, I am taking classes full time, and have a puppy and a boyfriend taking up all my free time. I started this blog with a point, and ended it by self example contradicting everything I just said. Main point: use yourself as a frame of reference, but not when you are contemplating yourself. I wonder if that will work.

Random Musings

Watching one car tailgate another is like watching my dog follow me around when I’ve got a treat in my pocket.

In person conversations have been reduced to parking garages and check out lines.

Some ceiling lamps DEFINITELY look like nipples.

Running up hill is hard when you can’t see the top of the hill yet.

A venti coffee is too much coffee because caffeine makes me pee.

Everything is rational when rationalized.

State license plate slogan makers need to try harder.

Sometimes puppies pee the carpet.

And ruin new pdas.

And hump your pillows.

Or leg.

Biology is compartmentalized but thinking, thought and reason are on a spectrum. Question- How can I know anything about biology?

The ratio of people who do their job well to those who don’t is not enough to too many.

It sucks when you are falling asleep watching tv and the dog has hidden the remote.

Relationships are for kissing, not yelling.

Food is important.

So is sarcasm.

Glitter does not brush off- it is the herpes of craft supplies.

The weird ones are the normal ones.

Oil paint takes a long time to dry.

Qualify almost everything you say.

Pigeons are rats of the sky.

You probably owe me money. You should really get that to me.

What does paper documentation prove?

Big trees are beautiful.

Blame it on entropy.

Lock your doors at night only if you expect someone will try and break in.

Science is scattered and information is sloppy.

Some people are just rude.

Holding it is bad for you.

Girls belong in a maul.

Everything needs a soundtrack.

The clock moves most slowly while you’re watching it.