Though I had amibivalent feelings about the snow day when I woke up this morning and saw my little Accent would not make it on the snowy roads to Bayview, I ultimately decided none of my patients would make it in through the snow either and to enjoy the rare break (though pto paid for) of a snow day.
I remember in grad school writing a post in a spare moment grabbed in a coffee shop between two jobs and my classes, where I fantasized about having a day off to do laundry and be domestic. This morning as I looked around my cluttered and very lived-in apartment, with it's piles of laundry, mountains of dishes, carpet in much need of vacuuming, tables in need of dusting, bathrooms of scrubbing, and peices of my daily life scattered all around, I felt some much needed sympathy for myself and how much I give of myself at my job. Though always worrying I am never doing enough, I give every iota of emotional and cerebral energy I have every day to my women. Evienced by everything askew in my apartment, I get home and barely have the energy to wolf down some take out, pack tomorrow's lunch and crack open a book before I fall asleep.
Today with the clean white snow on the ground trapping me inside with my puppy, I took out some chicken to thaw for dinner, set some water to boil for tea and enjoyed a breakfast that wasn't just a travel mug and a granola bar on the road. I did some sketching and drawing over a liesurely breakfast, put on some sweats and began to tackle the disarray of my apartment. How liesurely and therapuetic it felt! To engage myself in something where the outcome simply reflected the energy invested: I cleaned and my apartment got cleaner. Imagine that principle simply demonstrated to the frustrated therapist! Sigh. What a reward. Though I still have chicken to marinate, and laundry to fold and put away as the tired washer and dryer finishing shaking them clean(-ish), I am so enjoying the relative predictability and reliability of my simple apartment and finally fulfilling some domestic responsibilities.
While I'm on this- I was thinking the other day how in my flurry of hard work to establish myself as an independent adult in the past few years, working several jobs at a time, taking classes, trying to license and ever move up the job ladder, I haven't had time for much else other than this thought: "Cindy, you MUST succeed!" Having come to a relatively comfortable place after all that, the next phases of my life are much on my mind. Maybe one of the biggest questions on a single woman my age's mind in this day and age is the "to work, or not to work" while having a family question. For me it is not so much a question of desire (of course I want to stay home!) but of necessity. Though I have molded my career from what I may have dreamed to become to what will come closest to that and best accomodate a family life, the question of how it will all balane out causes me angst. I'm sure any therapist, friend or mother would tell me that is a healthy thing. SIGH. The double shift...
On a lighter tangent, I often joke with my friends and my sweet boyfriend that my doggy (an eternal puppy in my mind) is my practice baby. Though I am in my mommy prime and my hormones scream "BABIES BABIES BABIES!" (not lessened by working with only pregnant women all dasy) I am luckily able to staunch much of the urge by being a puppy-mom. Go ahead, make fun, tell me he's just a dog, but I'll tell you what, he's a damn happy one, and he gives me more psychological stability and therapy than many wasted dollars and hours historically have. That said, here is my lighter tangent. A list of ways being a puppy-mom is preparing me to be a real mom:
1) As soon as I put his toys away, they are IMMEDIATELY strewn accross the apartment again, even if they are toys he hasn't touched in ages.
2) Because of number one, I am skilled at vacuuming around toys (usually)
3) I have to plan my trips ahead and find babysitters if I will be away for too long
4) He has more toys and clothes than he will ever use
5) I have the vet on speed dial
6) Sometimes he really doesn't want to do something and gives me attitude
7) I have to accept that some things about this little monster will never change
8) Whenever he wants ANYTHING, its, "Hey mom! Hey Mom! Hey Mom!!"
9) He decides to make noise RIGHT at the best part of the show or movie I'm watching
10) If he's sick or having nightmares, or needs anything, I dont sleep
11) Those little eyes get me every time
12) To him, me getting comfortable and settled on the couch is an indication that it is time to take him outside
13) I have to discipline him for things he does that I also think are kinda cute
14) I have to watch what I say around him so he doesn't get the wrong idea ("walk"? "treat"?)
15) I have to make sure he is properly sociallized with other good puppies
16) I could go on, but most importantly he is my little buddy and we love each other
Thanks for reading my ramblings on a satisfyingly restful day!
