People watching: The spider and the fly and sitting at Panera

She is not a west coast girl. Her hair is not bleached and stacked, her nails aren't done, her face isn't made up and her bag is not Louis Vuitton ( I even had to look up how to spell that). She's probably wearing a ten dollar dress with cheaper shoes, but they all match her eyes. The hair might have been brushed this morning but driving down the beltway for twenty minutes with the windows down pulled it every which way and it looks tousled, a lone bobby pin struggling to hold it away from her face. She is fervently bent forward over a laptop she got on special (which has since been recalled) sipping on a lemonade (the price for using the free internet at Panera). Every now and then she looks up, looks around, passes through some unreadable expressions, then goes back to her work. These are the tell tale signs of an overworked, underpaid, struggling graduate student in psychology. She is struggling mind body and finance, but she is happy.

Though I am guilty of such a display, I maintain that I am not the intellectual-student-young-person stereotype you find doing such things. Or maybe I am, and I just hate stereotypes. Anyway, the stereotype and associated labels are not why I am at Panera. I go for the free internet, because it is closer to my classes than my tiny apartment, and most importantly, to people watch. I may not be a professional counselor yet, but I am a very accomplished people watcher.

If you are quiet enough, and let youself blend into the bustle of a busy coffee house or small lunch place, people stop noticing you and you can notice them all you want. Psychology is based on a presupposition of normal behavior, which is interesting, because my people watching skills tell me there is no such thing as a normal person- just crazy people who behave "normally." Give that one some thought. That means I am outright finger pointing at everyone as crazy and posers, but don't worry: if everyone is a crazy and a poser, there are no such labels anyway. They only exist in my own mental filing system.

Psychology has shifted in many theoretical approaches from normal behavior to adaptive behavior. I like the latter defenition better. Adaptive behavior doesn't imply homogeneity, and people are definately not that. Domestic violence- the spider and the fly (a good read, so I'm told, I'll let you know). Interpersonal relationships may be the worst way to understand someone, and at the same time the best way we know how. Instead of relating to norms which may not be real anyway, it is more useful to relate a person to our own frame of reference. At least we know the most about ourselves (how Cartesian, sigh.)

Seriously though we already do it. Someone stands us up, we are pissed or not based on our own frame of reference. What happens when our own frame of reference becomes confused or faulty and we justify things we may not otherwise? First we realize it, which, given the stipulations may be impossible. If we (amazingly) can do that, we seek out help from others (counselors?) and hope that their frame of reference can help us understand where we need to be, without letting that person tell us what to do or adapting their philosophy. Sound impossible? Don't worry counselors. That is what theory is for. Someone elses' over-thought, under-researched paradigm is a way to be objective yet functional. Seems to have worked so far, but are we copping out relying on someone else to explain the world to us instead of learning for ourselves? Does all that trust and dependence only require flimsy credentials and we accept them (i.e. a Ph.D?)

To bring the conversation full circle, here I am, sitting at Panera, wasting time writing my blog, people watching. People watching to the point that I have a whole stupid blog to write about it. What are other people thinking about me? I'm a poser, I'm a slacker, I don't work hard or have a full time job? I might think that about me if I was people watching someone else, but how far off would I be? I have two jobs, I am taking classes full time, and have a puppy and a boyfriend taking up all my free time. I started this blog with a point, and ended it by self example contradicting everything I just said. Main point: use yourself as a frame of reference, but not when you are contemplating yourself. I wonder if that will work.

Random Musings

Watching one car tailgate another is like watching my dog follow me around when I’ve got a treat in my pocket.

In person conversations have been reduced to parking garages and check out lines.

Some ceiling lamps DEFINITELY look like nipples.

Running up hill is hard when you can’t see the top of the hill yet.

A venti coffee is too much coffee because caffeine makes me pee.

Everything is rational when rationalized.

State license plate slogan makers need to try harder.

Sometimes puppies pee the carpet.

And ruin new pdas.

And hump your pillows.

Or leg.

Biology is compartmentalized but thinking, thought and reason are on a spectrum. Question- How can I know anything about biology?

The ratio of people who do their job well to those who don’t is not enough to too many.

It sucks when you are falling asleep watching tv and the dog has hidden the remote.

Relationships are for kissing, not yelling.

Food is important.

So is sarcasm.

Glitter does not brush off- it is the herpes of craft supplies.

The weird ones are the normal ones.

Oil paint takes a long time to dry.

Qualify almost everything you say.

Pigeons are rats of the sky.

You probably owe me money. You should really get that to me.

What does paper documentation prove?

Big trees are beautiful.

Blame it on entropy.

Lock your doors at night only if you expect someone will try and break in.

Science is scattered and information is sloppy.

Some people are just rude.

Holding it is bad for you.

Girls belong in a maul.

Everything needs a soundtrack.

The clock moves most slowly while you’re watching it.

Superlatives

I hate them. They are the worst EVER.

Facades, communication and how well we really know each other

When I was in college, I worked on a paint crew painting dorms all summer. When you are painting, there is a lot of freed up mental space to talk and think about things. One summer, my boss, Milton, introduced me to a theory he called the "mirror theory." It's not revolutionary, but it has stuck with me. The theory basically is this: the way you feel about someone else is the way they feel about you. My immediate reaction to this information was, "S***! They know that I don't like them!?"

Special cases aside, people are usually "nice" to each other. "I like your shoes," "How was your weekend," "How have you been," and similar comments, are shared between casual friends and coworkers all the time. Assuming we know how our close friends feel about us- what about everyone else? Are these comments sincere, or are they just a convenient cover up for calculated animosity? Don't tell me you don't care, because even if you're like me and say that, you still do a little. Do people I am nice to but don't like, feel and act the same way towards me? I mean, it's fine if I secretly don't like someone, but for them to feel that way about me when I'm being perfectly fakely nice is outrageous.

Ever find yourself secretly disliking someone (to varying degrees) one second, until they say something to you like "Nice shoes!" and you like them again? Are they just playing nice too by using tried and true expressions to "listen" to and "flatter" you? If they are, that's infuriating. Only I am allowed to do that because obviously noone has any reasons to dislike me (whereas people who I dislike clearly I have reasons to dislike, such as, they're mean). I've written posts before about people not saying what they mean and being tactful, etc, and beaten that subject to death, I feel. However, as one of the most sarcastic and skeptical person of others I know (until I get to know them, of course), can even I be fooled by someone who secretly doesn't like me?

Friction exists, even between people who are perfectly nice to each other, just because their personalities are different. Do we ingest this and magnify it to the point where we take it personally that someone could dislike us for "no reason"? I mean really, what's the big deal when statistically it's just gonna happen? Why can't we just fake it to fool the friction?