It has been icing and snowing some of the first wintry weather here. It is not as though I have never driven on ice and snow before. It is not even that this is my second or third winter driving on it; however, something about this winter is hitting me hard. About a week ago during some icing and snowing, my car hit an ice patch and (thankfully) swerved into a curb. Today on my way to work during another icing and snowing, my car slid and turned 180* on a three-lane highway. Luckily neither of these situations led to any major accident- only a ripped tire and bent wheel to show for damage. They have me thinking, though.
I'm not one to admit to believing in omens and signs, but on a certain level I do pay attention, and things stay with me. Confession: A few years ago when my house burnt down, a fire that began in my bedroom (though I was away at college at the time), on some level I was convinced it was a symbolic purging and punishment. Now cognitively I know this is ridiculous and untrue- but on some level I wonder if I really believe it.
I have been going to therapy for the past few months for what I like to think of as "therapist maintenance." I have been fairly disappointed with the ramblings of my sessions, impatiently waiting for the work to begin. Last session, at the end of another set of ramblings and almost pointless exchanges, my therapist urged me to think about something over the next week. What was that...?
Oh yeah. It was about trying to please everyone. I have written recently about congruence and perfectionism and those two themes fight each other for me. I try to please everyone and be perfect, which is not congruent because I would be better to (1) be happy for who I am and at what level my capabilities are, and (2) base my opinion of myself on myself and not other's thoughts of me. It was about how exhausting it is to try and be perfect for everyone. In doing that, the main problem is I am not being perfect for myself. I guess that begs the question, "how am I perfect for myself?" What is/are my true limits, potential, characteristics etc? How would one go about finding those out? By constantly pushing those limits, right? As long as one is constantly trying there are no limits to what they can do?
Maybe it's more about accepting my less-than-perfect qualities. Sometimes I procrastinate. Sometimes I can be a bit lazy. Usually I don't do the reading. Which of these is acceptable and which are self-defeating? How does one know the difference? Basic ethics say that laziness is an unacceptable value, but can I go on forever downing myself for my natural state of entropy? I couldn't be happy and fulfilled that way, could I?
Maybe accepting isn't the same thing as leaving something alone. Maybe the quality of accepting can be more like owning the laziness as part of my personality. I procrastinate. That is me. I can own that as a part of myself. Accepting this is to accept to remind myself to work harder now and then because I know if I do I can do better. Accepting laziness is not to accept hating myself for it.
I feel like I have stumbled onto a formula here:
1) Recognize (honestly) a part of one's personality one is unhappy with (e.g. laziness)
2) Own and accept this quality as a part of ones' self and one's own uniqueness
3) Identify the negative consequence normally associated with the newly owned characteristic (e.g. hating myself for procrastinating)
4) Change the negative consequence to an empowering alternative and take ownership of it (e.g. reminding myself to work harder)
5) Pair the empowering alternative with the owned quality and accept them unconditionally as part of who one is (e.g. I just can be lazy sometimes, so I am gonna have to remind myself to work harder on occasion)
This might be a good place to start for a self-esteem 180. Maybe the ice is nature giving me an ultimatum: "You can't continue on this path of self-negativity. I am hereby forcing you around towards some self-esteem."
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Thursday, January 8, 2009
The Counseling Conversation
It dawned on me recently that I am trying too hard to be perfect. It really shouldn't have dawned on me recently because this is no new behavior for me. For whatever reason, or likely reasons, I bust my butt trying to be perfect.
Recently I have been brushing up on person-centered therapy. I overlooked this theory initially when learning different counseling approaches, thinking like many other therapists, I would settle for cognitive behavioral psych or even rational emotive behavioral therapy. Reflecting on the basic assumptions of person- centered theory, I was struck at just how accurate many of them are to me.
For those unfamiliar, the basic premise of person-centered therapy is congruence vs. incongruence. Simply put, the incongruent self, which is sadly most people, tries too hard to satisfy others' expectations and social norms rather than being true to their own capabilities and accepting themselves and their lives as they are. This creates a cognitive and emotional dissonance which leads to basically most psychological and many physiological conditions. The congruent self, the end goal of person-centered therapy, has shed the expectations of society and others as a means of dictating their worth, instead learning to appreciate themselves as unique and special as whom they are.
In the trauma counseling that I am currently doing, I often look at it this way:
A client comes into my office having survived a trauma. They have all types of feelings of guilt, shame, worthlessness, etc. In a way, these feelings have prevented them from incorporating the trauma experience into their life story. Rather than accept the painful feelings and memories to normalize and stabilize what they went through, they shut them out preventing healing which precipitates the negative feelings over and again. It is too painful to accept that it has happened; therefore I will not accept it and thus continue to relive it. The rejection or suppression of the experience is keeping them from realizing congruence and leading to a slew of problems magnifying perfectly normal reactions of shame, guilt, etc following such an incident.
I might tell them that everyone has a life story and knowing yourself depends on knowing your story. For traumatized people, however, their story was hijacked. Someone else took control, took power, and took their story. Going back and taking control of that experience as the author of their story plays a crucial step in the survival chapter. Ignoring the hijacked part of the story is essentially leaving it out and crumbling the present and future chapters with incongruence. If you ignore where the pain comes from, it won't just go away. You have to accept the experience for what it was and allow it to become a part of your story in order to truly heal and become congruent.
Today I had a new client come in to my office. Maybe it was because it was my first day in a new office, maybe this office has a better vibe, or maybe after taking a break, something settled or clicked in my brain. However, unlike many sessions where I feel a slight surge of panic as my client arrives, or that overwhelming feeling when someone has so many problems I don't know how I, a little graduate student, could POSSIBLY help them, I was calm. I was confident. Nothing was inherently different in this client than the others I have seen. The same age, cultural, and circumstantial barriers were there as well as the plethora of problems and complicated stories the client brought in.
Maybe it was something Mary Pipher said in one of her books. She talked about counseling as a conversation; to sit and visit. It was a relaxed exchange, an empathic listening and reflecting time for one human being to just be an objective ear for another human being.
That's what happened today. I was confident. I listened. Without feeling worried about being perfect or about what I was going to say all the time, I was true to myself. I had some moments of congruence. Oh what an amazing difference that made. Instead of being draining, I was energized after the session. I found new hope in myself as a counselor. I began to remember why I had decided to do this, whereas always trying to be so perfect, I had neglected the beauty of it all instead swamping myself with stress and worries.
Maybe I should give person-centered therapy another chance.
Recently I have been brushing up on person-centered therapy. I overlooked this theory initially when learning different counseling approaches, thinking like many other therapists, I would settle for cognitive behavioral psych or even rational emotive behavioral therapy. Reflecting on the basic assumptions of person- centered theory, I was struck at just how accurate many of them are to me.
For those unfamiliar, the basic premise of person-centered therapy is congruence vs. incongruence. Simply put, the incongruent self, which is sadly most people, tries too hard to satisfy others' expectations and social norms rather than being true to their own capabilities and accepting themselves and their lives as they are. This creates a cognitive and emotional dissonance which leads to basically most psychological and many physiological conditions. The congruent self, the end goal of person-centered therapy, has shed the expectations of society and others as a means of dictating their worth, instead learning to appreciate themselves as unique and special as whom they are.
In the trauma counseling that I am currently doing, I often look at it this way:
A client comes into my office having survived a trauma. They have all types of feelings of guilt, shame, worthlessness, etc. In a way, these feelings have prevented them from incorporating the trauma experience into their life story. Rather than accept the painful feelings and memories to normalize and stabilize what they went through, they shut them out preventing healing which precipitates the negative feelings over and again. It is too painful to accept that it has happened; therefore I will not accept it and thus continue to relive it. The rejection or suppression of the experience is keeping them from realizing congruence and leading to a slew of problems magnifying perfectly normal reactions of shame, guilt, etc following such an incident.
I might tell them that everyone has a life story and knowing yourself depends on knowing your story. For traumatized people, however, their story was hijacked. Someone else took control, took power, and took their story. Going back and taking control of that experience as the author of their story plays a crucial step in the survival chapter. Ignoring the hijacked part of the story is essentially leaving it out and crumbling the present and future chapters with incongruence. If you ignore where the pain comes from, it won't just go away. You have to accept the experience for what it was and allow it to become a part of your story in order to truly heal and become congruent.
Today I had a new client come in to my office. Maybe it was because it was my first day in a new office, maybe this office has a better vibe, or maybe after taking a break, something settled or clicked in my brain. However, unlike many sessions where I feel a slight surge of panic as my client arrives, or that overwhelming feeling when someone has so many problems I don't know how I, a little graduate student, could POSSIBLY help them, I was calm. I was confident. Nothing was inherently different in this client than the others I have seen. The same age, cultural, and circumstantial barriers were there as well as the plethora of problems and complicated stories the client brought in.
Maybe it was something Mary Pipher said in one of her books. She talked about counseling as a conversation; to sit and visit. It was a relaxed exchange, an empathic listening and reflecting time for one human being to just be an objective ear for another human being.
That's what happened today. I was confident. I listened. Without feeling worried about being perfect or about what I was going to say all the time, I was true to myself. I had some moments of congruence. Oh what an amazing difference that made. Instead of being draining, I was energized after the session. I found new hope in myself as a counselor. I began to remember why I had decided to do this, whereas always trying to be so perfect, I had neglected the beauty of it all instead swamping myself with stress and worries.
Maybe I should give person-centered therapy another chance.
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