It has been icing and snowing some of the first wintry weather here. It is not as though I have never driven on ice and snow before. It is not even that this is my second or third winter driving on it; however, something about this winter is hitting me hard. About a week ago during some icing and snowing, my car hit an ice patch and (thankfully) swerved into a curb. Today on my way to work during another icing and snowing, my car slid and turned 180* on a three-lane highway. Luckily neither of these situations led to any major accident- only a ripped tire and bent wheel to show for damage. They have me thinking, though.
I'm not one to admit to believing in omens and signs, but on a certain level I do pay attention, and things stay with me. Confession: A few years ago when my house burnt down, a fire that began in my bedroom (though I was away at college at the time), on some level I was convinced it was a symbolic purging and punishment. Now cognitively I know this is ridiculous and untrue- but on some level I wonder if I really believe it.
I have been going to therapy for the past few months for what I like to think of as "therapist maintenance." I have been fairly disappointed with the ramblings of my sessions, impatiently waiting for the work to begin. Last session, at the end of another set of ramblings and almost pointless exchanges, my therapist urged me to think about something over the next week. What was that...?
Oh yeah. It was about trying to please everyone. I have written recently about congruence and perfectionism and those two themes fight each other for me. I try to please everyone and be perfect, which is not congruent because I would be better to (1) be happy for who I am and at what level my capabilities are, and (2) base my opinion of myself on myself and not other's thoughts of me. It was about how exhausting it is to try and be perfect for everyone. In doing that, the main problem is I am not being perfect for myself. I guess that begs the question, "how am I perfect for myself?" What is/are my true limits, potential, characteristics etc? How would one go about finding those out? By constantly pushing those limits, right? As long as one is constantly trying there are no limits to what they can do?
Maybe it's more about accepting my less-than-perfect qualities. Sometimes I procrastinate. Sometimes I can be a bit lazy. Usually I don't do the reading. Which of these is acceptable and which are self-defeating? How does one know the difference? Basic ethics say that laziness is an unacceptable value, but can I go on forever downing myself for my natural state of entropy? I couldn't be happy and fulfilled that way, could I?
Maybe accepting isn't the same thing as leaving something alone. Maybe the quality of accepting can be more like owning the laziness as part of my personality. I procrastinate. That is me. I can own that as a part of myself. Accepting this is to accept to remind myself to work harder now and then because I know if I do I can do better. Accepting laziness is not to accept hating myself for it.
I feel like I have stumbled onto a formula here:
1) Recognize (honestly) a part of one's personality one is unhappy with (e.g. laziness)
2) Own and accept this quality as a part of ones' self and one's own uniqueness
3) Identify the negative consequence normally associated with the newly owned characteristic (e.g. hating myself for procrastinating)
4) Change the negative consequence to an empowering alternative and take ownership of it (e.g. reminding myself to work harder)
5) Pair the empowering alternative with the owned quality and accept them unconditionally as part of who one is (e.g. I just can be lazy sometimes, so I am gonna have to remind myself to work harder on occasion)
This might be a good place to start for a self-esteem 180. Maybe the ice is nature giving me an ultimatum: "You can't continue on this path of self-negativity. I am hereby forcing you around towards some self-esteem."
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